Whatever It Takes
by Lady Rebell-K
Summary: Harry Potter is very tired of his life! After the loss of his godfather, and Remus who did not contact him, Harry feels like he will never belong anywhere... so why continue living this hell when he could - could he ? - have a new life. (De-aging, Begins in 6th year) (Follow Canon 6-7th year/Horcruxes/Snape-Mentor/Pairing: Harry/Luna)
1. Chapter 1

**chapter 1**

December 1996

Severus Snape was a man of deep thoughts and emotions. Oh ! Practically everybody said he had no heart — but how false that was ... he could not decipher it for the love of Magic! Yes, he had learn at a very young age to keep a blank mask to conceal his feelings — to keep the hurt at bay, caused, may it be by this constant rejection and incomprehension he felt from the others. But now, he just felt at a loss... just how desperate had this child been for going on to these drastic measures!

Hmmm, never mind! You never knew with Harry Bloody Potter.

* * *

 **Disclaimer:** _I own nothing..._


	2. Chapter 2

**chapter 2**

2 September - back in time

Harry Potter sat in his dormitory in Gryffindor Tower after the First term feast. After turning in his bed half of the night, he could not continue this any longer. He had to do something! He just grab his invisibility cloak, put two pair of socks and a silencing charm around him to prevent someone hearing him walk in the castle at night. Not to forget, he checked the marauder's map for any intruder who might interrupts his nightly activities... Being 2 in the morning, he supposed not many persons were still roaming Hogwarts for nocturnal wanderers, but with his usual luck... never too careful! And he had made a promise to himself this year. He was not a little innocent kid anymore, so he would not get caught as if he had not prepared meticulously his plans. After all, magic offered so many tools and he was gifted with two already very useful ones! Walking in direction of the library, he surveyed the map, but the professors and the prefects still active were not near the place. Opening cautiously the doors, he directed his steps where he could find some books on anything related to the change in appearance. He settle in a chair after having put a little pile of books on what looked like interesting spells... he had a big four hours before returning to the dorm, but by the time he spent for perusing only two of those books, he had just found about confounding and disillusionment spells. Not at all what he wanted! But, at least it was a beginning. He would not loose patience in this research. There was too much at stake for abandoning. He returned quietly in his bed for the day to begin, and the hell of his life to continue.

"Hey mate! Let me see your schedule! " Said Ron when the Golden Trio was finally seated at their table for breakfast.

"Mmm... here Ron. "

"What is the meaning of this Harry!" Exclaimed Hermione in outrage.

"What? "

At the sound of the anger in her voice, some people were turning around in their seat to hear the commotion.

"Well, mate, she's right on this point... you do not have really much classes! And why did you cross your potions classes? Did you not want to become an Aurore? " Asked Ron, a little bit confused with the lack of classes on Harry's schedule.

"No, not really... " responded Harry in a tired-bored tone. "Besides, I didn't have the grades for potions. Just got an E. And I really have other matters at stake for the time being, and do you really think that with my life and all the craps going on, I would voluntarily chase dark wizards around the world? "

At those last statements, Harry had raised his voice for all the Hall to hear, and was met with a silence definitely awkward. But at this point, he didn't care. All his life he had been pointed and casted as a phenomenon and a freak. So what bad could it do if everybody just had it slammed in their face that he was never going to reach their expectations. In this life, whatsoever.

" But this is unacceptable! " Ranted Hermione, breaking the bubble of peace for the ears that had just invaded the Great Hall.

"Won't make us miss the greasy bat of the dungeons unfortunately this year either...DADA's teacher my ass." Muttered Ron.

"Professor Snape is not teaching potions this year, and as it is Professor Slugghorn, his level of qualifications are not as high! He only requires an E to make it in the NEWT's class. And besides, did you not told us that the Headmaster wanted you to join the class this year?"

" So what Hermione! This is what I will take and no more! I intend on doing some learning on my own with my free periods as I have a project that I would like to do more research on. And no, I don't need the help of anybody! This is something that I am doing for me! For one time in my life, I think I should not feel guilty for wanting to keep my mind busy and not rushing in stupid plans to save the others' neck! Now, don't ask, because I won't tell anyone about this. I'm tired of being some sort of chess piece that can be move carelessly for whatever purpose I'm required to accomplish!"

With this, he just stormed out and walked for his first class of the year, Transfiguration. He hadn't really eaten much, but he could not stand the stares anymore. He was kind of tired now and well, that was to expect after a summer with the Dursleys! And those nights where he would not find the peaceful sleep he so wished. That was practically all his life resumed in one word : Nightmare. But with this new plan of his, there would be no other choice! Just this thought gave him hope and a renew of strength for the day to pass... between each period, he would go to the library to search and consult books, but it was really frustrating to always interrupt his search to go to class or to eat. Now that he was at Hogwarts and that he could do something, all this energy pent up from his useless summer was making his blood boil.

He knew he had been harsh with his friends during the morning, but his impatience and tiredness had overcome his usual reserved-self.

But he had really think of this for a whole two months and yes, he had just take the basics courses, but with what he planned to do, what classes he would take did not matter in the least.

He guessed he would have to isolate himself more from his friends this year if he wanted to achieve his project.

And so, this is what he did. Harry was so determined that nothing would ruin his plan that he took every little thing to minimize the suspicions. Well, as far as he could. Harry Potter was now the ghost of the school. Oh! He did his homework, listened in classes, study for the exams, but that was it. And he did have grades to make Hermione proud. But where he passed the rest of his time, nobody knew. And he did, unfortunately, have to go to his potions class... after skipping the first, he had had a little missive from the headmaster, and his Head of House informed him that he would have consequences if he did not attend the lessons. But just then, as he did not buy his book, he had find this textbook in the cupboard witch was namely the one of one mysterious "Half-Blood Prince". Now, this had permitted him to keep up with the subject, with the best grades anybody could have, and the fact that his new professor was NOT breathing down his neck while he was brewing helped quite a lot. He guessed he could really have mastered potions if not for Professor Snape hating his gut and making him miserable and stressed out during each lesson. While he knew potions was alike cooking, and he was really good in the latter, he couldn't bring himself to be natural with the black eyed man. However, that was past history. Now, said sneering and billowing man was his DADA Professor. What an improvement!

Now, two weeks had passed since the beginning of the year and the tryouts for Quidditch were held on this Saturday afternoon. Harry had decided that, for his sake, because he loved flying, and for the other people around not to ask many questions, he would play this year. The ban had been removed, but really, this was one thing he would not stop. Flying helped him to clear his mind. He would go on the pitch really early in the morning or even sometimes, during those nights where the stars were so brilliant they were like a path to the moon and to the world of the wind. He liked the song of the nocturnal creatures and insects during those weeks of September, the air still warm and soft. The smells too, just a balm for the mind. He was invisible to the rest of the world in those moments. Just reminding him of how utterly miserable and alone he was, but soon, he would be at peace, would he? He was going to find out!

He had just escaped the cheers for this renew of his post as seeker under his invisibility cloak and was in for a session of reading in the Room of Requirement. He knew people would start to ask questions soon, as his whereabouts where unknown of everybody, but he could not stop this routine until he had find what he wanted. Plus, he knew that the professors were supposed to keep an eye on him this year in particular, since the mess of last year, but he was doing more than fine in each class he had, so what could they do, if not try to coax him in some shit of a plan to trap him in admitting his mischief. _Argh! Not this time. He would not fail._

"Another night wasted to read about useless things..." mused Harry for himself.

He had not find anything of relevance for the first three weeks he had passed to roam the library for spells or even potions on the change of appearance and the age of the mind and body. The first week end of October would be their first trip to Hogsmead and that would be his occasion to buy the things he would need. He had concluded that spells could not achieve the very nature of the change he wanted to effectuate, so this would probably be a potion. But as it was something rare to do, (he had never heard of it before! But with magic, we should never stop the wonder!) he guessed it would surely be in the restricted section. He would use this week to seek every book he could. He could always sneak out of the castle another weekend with the passage in Honeyduck, but that would complicate the things.

* * *

At the same time, in the Gryffindor Tower

* * *

"Ron! This is it! He's driving me insane! Said Hermione not so loudly, closing the book she was studying.

"Yeah, I know, Harry's been weird and avoiding us since the beginning of the year but just think about it for a second. He just lost his godfather and he's still grieving. He just want to be left alone. He will come back soon or later but he will."

"But still! It's been four months since Sirius' death! He should talk to someone, at least us! He used to confide in us, no?" She sounded desperate and Ron even if he didn't really knew what was in his best mate's mind, was beginning to worry. Granted, Hermione grudged on his nerves sometimes, but it was true that Harry usually told them everything or almost.

"We should talk to the professors about this" continued the witch.

Ron snorted. "Since when did the professors listened to Harry's problems? Oh, yeah! Only when it's too late..."

"But Ron, this is not normal! I won't back down on this. At the end of the week, if Harry is still in this ghost-phase, I will find some professor or someone who will listen!"


	3. Chapter 3

**chapter 3**

30 September, Friday night

"Damn! That's it!"

After a good quidditch practice, Harry had return in the Room of Requirement with is book-load from the restricted section to read and conclude all that he had found on the matter. Tomorrow he would go to Hogsmead to buy some ingredients and he would have to use the owl-post for some that were surely not found in this kind of place. And surely, he would see if Snape — No, Slugghorn — had some of the things in his storeroom.

He had finally find it. After thinking about it more thoroughly, he had decided to search in the healing section and that had been a good instinct. He could not believe it in fact. His dream would become true. He hoped. No, he could do it. It was a mix of a potion and a spell. Yeah, sure, it was used in the past, like really really a long time ago, but it had been done. Well, not exactly what he intended to do, but almost the same. The potion was to affect the body. This is what they used to transform a young adult or a child who had lived a traumatizing experience in a younger version of themselves when they had still not lived it. Even some young criminals were subjected to the potion in the past so they could be reeducated without the knowledge of their misdeed. But Harry didn't want to loose all his knowledge. After all, he had learn that he was a wizard at only eleven and he didn't want to relive that again. So the spell would be to stabilize his mind before his transformation in an infant. And he had passed all his summer to think and rethink about... yeah about that tragedy with his now dead godfather and he hadn't want to think about it anymore at some point so he had begun to try his occlumency lessons again. And in the end, he had found the twist. How to put that blank mask, even in his mind. How to categorize every memory and emotion and push them deep inside. It was like the sky at night, with all those bright stars who show him the path to all his souvenirs. Those little white fires which contained all the misery of his life in the form of the only constellation he would remember with fondness. Sirius.

It had help in the end, because now that he was able to occlude, the memory spell would freeze and lock every information that was behind his barriers when performed. So he would not be ignorant even at the age of five! He was certain that he didn't want to forget it all. It wasn't the point of this experiment. But the spell would insure that he still remained with the same conscience but that nobody could penetrate his mind too. Until He would decide to drop the barriers. And he intended to do that, well, who knows when... surely when he would trust someone that would be there for him when he decided to fell in the darkness of his personal hell, just to reborn of his ashes. Like a Phoenix. Because if you forgot the experiences of the past, there was nothing to learn. But Harry was so tired of living in a shell, he wanted somebody to take him in charge. He didn't want the responsibilities of the whole world and then be criticized for his mistakes because clearly, he wouldn't care anymore if he made mistakes now. And he knew that that would be dangerous for the ones he loved. If he didn't payed more attention, it would be their downfall. And he wouldn't want that. He still had hopes for the future, but for himself, well if this plan worked, he would clearly be hold and cherished by the ones who still cared and loved him! Right? He wouldn't be send home to the Dursleys. He would not be safe anymore if he went there and they knew it. So he would be living in Hogwarts. With his friends. That would be fun. The only thing he needed to determine was at what age he would return. It would be with the concentration of a certain rare ingredient that the age would be set : Phoenix's saliva and tears mixed. The more, the younger he would be. And if he was honest, he really wanted to be cuddled. He missed his parents so much and now Sirius. The Dursleys had been so obsessive with not touching the freak apart from hitting him that Harry was touch deprived... starving for affection and love, but he knew he would never be worthy of that! So he would have to be still a little child. Maybe, just a little older than the age that the hell had begun? When Voldy had so kindly deprived him of his family... five years old would be young enough to receive all the attention he craved and to remain articulate in his gesture and speech. That would compensate. Everyone would want to cuddle a child! And nobody would held his person responsible for his actions! And nobody would know that he was conscious with the mind of a sixteen years old. He would be reassured when he had nightmares, he would not be judged for his magic, he would play with his friends... that would be the best experience of his life. And he would laugh in the face of all of his professors when they saw him! Oh! What a joke. They would see him for what he was. A little kid lost and afraid of the world, so insecure and unloved. They would give him that love his mother sacrificed for him when she died.

Because in the end, if he had to sacrifice himself for the wizarding world, he should be in love with it, no? Sure, he loved magic, and some people around him, but he had not learn yet to love truly and deeply, unconditionally this world. So what was the point of a sacrifice if you didn't value it at the utmost point! This world had done him no good or almost.


	4. Chapter 4

**chapter 4**

1 October - Saturday

It would not help him in his plan if his friends caught him before they left for Hogsmead. They would invite him and he would have to say some stupid excuse when he could just avoid any interaction at all... So he just wake earlier to sneak into the kitchens and ask Dobby for some breakfast and he left before everybody. The secret passage was not the more clean and comfortable one but nonetheless, before opening the door, he put some glamours he had learn the past month to hide his true self. And then, the adventure truly began...

* * *

"Mione? Did you see Harry this morning?"

"No... why, he did not hide himself again! It's our first trip to Hogsmead! Oh, I will strangle him when we find him. His loss! We need to speak with a professor. Maybe Dumbledore or McGonagall."

"Yeah, maybe you're right. He should not block himself from everybody. But I guess we won't find him today if he doesn't wish to be found."

"We could use the point-me charm, but I think he would really hate us for that..." advanced Hermione. "But I'm sure the professors have noticed that something is off with Harry. Even with their load of correction with the summer work, they should know something is odd."

"Ah! Don't count on that! Sure, some must have seen irregularities but did you see how he always do his homework and he has good marks like you! This is odd!"

"Ron, if you would apply yourself, you would have good marks too. Now, hurry, we should go to Hogsmead and return sooner to talk to someone."

* * *

"Yes Miss Granger, Mister Weasley?" Asked Albus Dumbledore after having seated himself at the Head Table during the dinner. All the eyes of the professors where riveted on them and that made them nervous. Nonetheless, Hermione continued, for the sake of her friend Harry, clearly in distress after one month of being a ghost. She put a silencing charm around them, earning some arched eyebrows and expressions of surprise.

"Well, sir, this is a matter concerning Harry."

"Ah! Our dear mister Potter."

"Indeed professor, since the first day of this year, he just lives like a ghost. Didn't some of you noticed something's off with him? I've decided to take the situation in hands because this is not normal anymore. I mean, he's been grieving for Sirius for four months now! This is not healthy. We never see him, he just closed himself to the world and surely the professors who have him in their classes know that his grades are highly improved and that he always give his homework in time. He hides in the castle god knows where and Ron said it's like he's not in the dorms at night!"

"Well, it seems indeed that you are taking this at heart, miss Granger." The headmaster stated. "This is particular, but never forget that everybody deals with their wounds in different ways."

"Tell me, mister Weasley, what did you mean by saying that Harry is not in your dormitory at night?" Asked Professor McGonagall.

"Hum... well he comes in bed just before curfew, but after that, he seems asleep and then if I'm waking up during the night, there's nobody in his bed. But then, he is present again when it's the time to wake in the morning. And really, it's simple to know that he is not there because I never wake up from one of his bloodcurdling cries from his nightmares..."

"Ron! Have a little respect for Harry!" Whispered Hermione furiously.

"Hey! It's the truth and I don't think it's really sane to put silencing charm every night of your life because you cry to death!"

"No it's not, but really, it should not be us telling every details of his life to the entire staff, don't you think?"

This little conversation between the two friends however turned the curious stares into shocked ones and more than one professor tried to remember how acted the hero of the Wizarding world during the past month.

"As much as those new informations concerning your pair are interesting, I must invite you to rejoin your table and eat your meal! Everybody here will keep an open eye towards mister Potter form now on..." gesturing with his hand in the direction of the Gryffindor table, Dumbledore dismissed the two students, who offered their thanks and walked back for their food.

"Well, well, the little attention seeker of our world seems to engulf himself yet again into some mischief!" sneered Severus Snape, after the departure of the now Golden Duo.

"Now, Severus, it will not do to say such comments about a student." Warned the headmaster.

"Such brave friends, defying the monster-thrower of temper tantrums in voicing so much of his life..." continued sarcastically the black eyed man, ignoring his employer.

"Severus! Would you stop your ranting about mister Potter, please? It really is worrying that the student is not seen in bed at night and it's true that I did not heard of any detention or prank concerning him." Interrupted Minerva, a little exasperate by the behaviour of his colleague towards one of her lion.

The man just snorted but stopped talking.

"Well Severus, if you are so keen to demystify this mischief as you say so adamantly, I put you in charge to watch the young man attentively. We wouldn't want him more damaged then he already is, would we?" Said Dumbledore, the usual twinkling present in his blue eyes.

"What? I do not possess the time to watch this insufferable brat and what, pray tell, did you mean by more damaged then he is already?"

"I would not refer to Harry as an innocent child anymore, if he ever has been one.

* * *

Icy silver blue eyes watched, quite dull, the people interacting around. All the mind behind such troubled silvery pools could think about was of his task. Rubbing his left forearm, where his Master had made him His, he struggled to hide the angst and despair he felt.


	5. Chapter 5

**chapter 5**

2 October - Sunday

Harry woke up with a start, not exactly remembering where he was. Then, it hit him : he was in the Chamber of Secrets! After purchasing some of his ingredients the previous day, he had to find someplace to hide them. What better arrangement then this chamber? Nobody could have access except him! And as he had explored the night before, the discovery that he found behind the statue of Salazar Slytherin after saying the password _open_ had made him speechless.

The statue had move across the cold stone wall and just there, he was faced with some sorts of appartements surely belonging to the Slytherin Founder. They were utterly magnificent. There was a cozy salon with comfy armchairs where you could read or just relax and all around in an almost closed circle there were plenty of books in many shelves made of an old used and cracked wood. It really was contrasting with the other side of the chamber, because the cold and humide stone floor mixed with soft carpets made of some animal skin gave a somber reflexive atmosphere. The semblant of library added to the idea of a mysterious place where the knowledge was considered to be something not so secret, but more as something to revere and to explore with wisdom. After entering and bypassing the first room, there was a corridor which could lead to other rooms. There was a bedroom, with a large bed with a canopy accompanied by a beautiful hearth and a rug facing it, looking quite soft, all in the colours of the serpent's house. In a corner, there was a big desk in a very old wood which seemed used by time and his ancient owner. The chair seemed inviting too and Harry was eager to install his things in _his new quarters..._ as the room was quite big, many other bookshelves where present against the walls, but not all of theme were full. Continuing down the way, there was no mistake as to what the next room was, a potions lab. Surely to make experiments. There where shelves as well in the room with a good number of books in them. When Harry had reached for one, upon opening it he realized it was written in parseltongue by Salazar himself about his experiences with his potions... also, leaning against one of the wall were a set of counters in some type of material which did not seem to mark with the time, so he supposed that was to be useful. Some other closed drawers and shelves underneath the counters were probably to put the ingredients and tools needed. Then the next room would be described as a training room. There were dummies facing the wall and you could surely fire off spells at them and animate them for more difficulties. Three walls out of four were covered entirely with something that resemble of a big pillow, surely to cushion the impacts when practicing. In addition, on the only stone wall, there were other type of weapons, more of the blade style and with some knives, long or short, slim or large.

 _"Well, that's new! I never thought of training in fencing! Maybe they are some sort of magical weapons ? I'm sure I could practice with them..."_ thought Harry.

He was eager to practice this new art, because if he found books on the subject and maybe a master to teach him, he could really improve his duelling skills with speed, precision and agility.

Directing his steps towards the last room, he discovered in fact a big refined and sophisticated place. Upon entering, there were four descending steps leading to a big bassin made of black stone and filled with what seemed to be water. _So some pool, then... yeah, what better place to relax or exercise?_

The bassin in question was in the form of a circle, and quite large and deep. As the room was somber when he had first entered, there were many cavities in the floor, all leaning on the walls, that had lightened the place by starting some sort of pale blue flames. Approaching the very things, Harry remarked that all those cavities were in fact the heads of all four animals representing the Hogwarts Houses, the flames coming from their open mouths.

Putting a hand in the pool, Harry shivered at the coolness of the water and as suddenly as the room had brighten, there were white little orbs of light that illuminated the bottom of the bassin. Shocked and surprised, Harry jumped and felt on his backside, but then, captivated by the scene before his eyes, he saw the pattern - oh so beautifully thought - represented by those lights. They were making the pool looks like the night sky, because said lights were in fact placed like the constellations.

Removing himself from the mesmerizing sight, the young man saw a little bit behind a platform raised one foot above the ground, covered with many soft blankets and in each corner there was a pile of big green towels. Walking further, Harry observed that in one corner some other three steps were going down and faced a sort of old black curtain. Pushing the drape, he discovered a little place with an ancient silver sink and a toilet dug in the stone wall. _Ah! That will come in handy..._

The Gryffindor, soon after finishing his short exploring and settling his ingredients in the potion lab, found himself tired and went off to the bedroom where he was fast asleep.

...

Performing the Tempus spell, Harry realized it was only five in the morning. More alert then ever - had he ever slept that well in the past, or was this bed just so comfortable - he slide off of it and shivered by the cold atmosphere in his room. Without further thoughts, he took his wand and started a fire in the hearth before wandering back in the lab. The books in parseltongue intrigued him greatly and as it was too early to go to breakfast, he could indulge in some reading.

He really liked to read, not being able to do so at the Dursley's, and even if he would never be like Hermione, he acknowledged that everything that could be learned in the process was kind of entertaining and you always wanted to know more.

So, he walked by the shelves, looking for something that would catch his eyes and finally decided for a black journal entitled _Specific Healing Potions - Fragile Organs._

The first few pages were about how difficult and volatile these healing potions were because of the rare ingredients and the long time and phases needed to enhance the properties and make them more accurate and then because they were used on organs that were utterly fragile! Like the eyes and the skull.

"That is interesting!" Exclaimed Harry to himself. "What potions could affect the eyes?"

Perusing the pages at a slow pace, he finished by finding a set of potions for correcting different sort of eyesight problems, like myopia and presbyopia. _Well, that was a start_! Harry thought. If he could get rid of his glasses, it would be sooo better!

Casting the Tempus charm again, he saw it was practically breakfast time and not wanting to cause more suspicions because of his absence last night, he put the book on the bedside table, put on his invisibility cloak and left the Chamber of Secrets.

* * *

"Harry James Potter! Where were you yesterday!?" nearly shouted Hermione when he made an appearance at the table in the Great Hall.

"In the castle, why, was there a problem where you would have needed my wisdom the past day?" responded the boy sarcastically.

"No, but at some point, there was a search party for your person held by ourselves and the professors! You worried us to no end! This is really irresponsible of you Harry!"

"What is going on mate?" demanded Ron, a bit anxious himself about this new persona of Harry Potter.

"You know you're gonna have consequences for not showing up in the dorms yesterday night, right? Cause we had to tell the professors..." continued the redheaded boy apologetically.

As if this line was a signal, Harry saw at the far end of his line of vision one of his teacher standing up from the head table and striding towards their spot. He decided to ignore it and finally feels a strong and steady hand on his shoulder and a deep silky voice accompanying the act.

"Potter, if you would grace ourselves of your presence this morning after breakfast, in the headmaster's office, the consequences for your foolishness shall not be _too_ harsh, dare I say it."

"Yes, sir." Sighed Harry.

Soon after eating, Harry directed his steps towards Dumbledore's office, keeping a tight reign on his feelings and thoughts.

Yes, it was risky, what he had done, but in the end, why should he care? He was beyond the fact, after the crap at the ministry last year, that he would have to face Voldemort again until either one of them died. So why not do all he could with the means he had to help himself in the end? He could not change his fate, it was prophecized! Why not make the most of it a little bit more livable?

Arriving in front of the gargoyle, he found himself waiting for his professors, because he didn't know the password and they were likely still eating, except for Snape.

* * *

After ordering the brat of his futur whereabouts, Severus Snape strode out of the Great Hall like a bat in the night. He could not shake the feeling of utter helplessness that had taken root in his gut since last night. Yes, that Saturday had been hectic with frenzy search of the boy that was nowhere in sight! This worry and constant misery at knowing he had once again failed in his task at protecting Lily's child had him nearly vomiting right on the spot. Oh! He had seen the boy growing these past five years and admitting it only to himself and with great reluctance, he knew he had come to care. At first, he really had thought Harry would be like his pompous father and flaunting his fame and power to the world. But Severus was not a spy and a potions master for nothing. He saw details where somebody less observant would not. After observing the boy in the shadows of the castle and dare he say it at his home on Privet Drive this summer (after putting some objections for the headmaster to believe he truly hated the boy and he was doing it only for the Order) he knew the signs. After the few glimpse of his childhood during occlumency lessons and this new year's behaviour, it just proved it further. He should have known this was bound to happen. How could he have forgotten that Petunia Evans would undoubtedly mistreat her nephew just as she had done with her sister when they were children. But she was jealous then, not so hateful as to abuse and neglect a child! He had come to the conclusions that Harry Potter had truly fooled everybody or almost. And that was the worst part. In wanting to hide his shame at being abused and ignorant, he had created this sort of arrogant persona that fitted everybody's belief that he was the Golden Boy with everybody to respond at his simplest desire. And to being accepted by the most masses, and only increased by his almost inexistant self-esteem, this self-sacrificing trait had been at the front of the boy's character. The abuse had had the opposite effect that normally plagued those kind of children. No self-preservation as the Slytherins displayed like himself for that matter. He so wanted to belong that he accepted every crap dumped on him, only eager to please more. And Severus knew for that matter, that all those years, first with the philosopher's stone, it had been a test put by the Headmaster to see if his hero had the guts to defy the Dark Lord. Maybe Dumbledore didn't know the extent of the abuse and he himself didn't know either, but Albus had known and he had not acted to stop it! This enraged him to no end! As a victim of his poor excuse of a father for beatings and such other things, he could not tolerate that someone had the knowledge of such hateful acts and not stop it.

But for the moment, he had to remain in his hateful persona of Severus-Snape-Despise-The-Potter-Boy. If Harry somehow seemed to seek help with his situation, he would be there. For now, he had to find out what had prompted such behaviour from the boy since the beginning of the year. He was withdrawn and applied to everything that he did. Maybe, he had only peeled one of his layers for the world to see, but it had a purpose. What, though?

After a long walk, he came near the entrance to the Headmaster's office. Sensing a presence, he eyed carefully the place before detecting the boy in question, waiting with his head tilted back on a wall. His eyes were closed and his posture was less then elegant, all slouching and looking tired. What was the brat doing to exhaust himself so much? Maybe he didn't sleep because of some nightmares? Even so, he would not be fooled again! Severus casted a disillusionment charm on himself and a muffliato to avoid making noise with his boots. Approaching slowly the teen as to not give himself away, he silently casted a tracking charm on the child's shoes and carefully plucked a dark hair for his other mean of tracking. He had passed a good portion of time to think about it and had come to create a tracking-watch. It was a complex bout of magic, but dead useful considering the antics of Potter. It was a chain of charms (tracking / alarm) and boundaries runes to alert him if the boy was not in his bed by midnight. The main hand of the watch (which contained the hair of Harry) would point him where to find him and the alarm would start immediately at twelve AM with the runes carved on the back and chained with the charms.

Having performed his business, Severus retreated a little and put off his disguise, watching silently Harry.

The others would likely finish breakfast soon and he would have another opportunity to examine the brat. How he interacted with the Headmaster for exemple... he was intrigued. He decided that he could have a foretaste.

"Mister Potter..." how he liked the way his voice could create such terror sometimes! The boy did jump rather fast, but then, he had drawn his wand too. "Care to explain where you were yesterday and during the night?"

He was always mesmerized by the green eyes wide open before him. Such a pretty sight... but oh such a deadly colour, the Avada Kedavra kind. The boy truly was growing into a fine young lad, he thought. The more he grew, the more the mix between Lily and James' features became apparent. He radiated an aura which balanced between fragility, vulnerability and strong determination. And since Severus had learned about his home life, it was all the more difficult not to give himself away by removing the boy and protect him from the atrocities of his Masters. Really, no child deserved this fate. But he would die before admitting anything to Albus. Finally, Potter found his voice and stuttered some excuses.

"Huh... I, I was studying in the library during the day and I couldn't sleep at night so I went practicing some spells in the room of requirement, sir." After the shock terror inducing, the blank mask had carefully take his place on the boy's face.

 _Not bad, Potter, not bad._

"And it did not occur to you to go to Madame Pomphrey to take a dreamless sleep potion? How dimwitted are you, Potter? No care at all for the rules and the elders responsible for your safety! Arrogant brat!"

The boy narrowed his eyes but didn't give further indications of his anger. He was saved of other interactions by the arrival of the Headmaster and Professor McGonagall.

"Harry, Severus, please join us in my office." invited Dumbledore.

Finally seated in some comfy chairs, the tree professors were eyeing Harry carefully, as if evaluating the danger one might represent for oneself.

"Harry, my dear boy, I must say that I'm a little surprised by your behaviour lately." Began the Headmaster. "I know it must be difficult for you to return to school when you are still grieving, but it is no reason to cause us professors such worry to your person."

Green eyes snapped open and the loathing they were subjected too was startling. "I didn't know you cared, Headmaster. After all, it's not as if I don't have to put my life on the front line to save the Wizarding World! So what's a little midnight excursion compared to my impending death?"

Harry was trying to repress his tumultuous emotions, part of it was his smugness in achieving to render speechless his three teachers, but most of all was his anger and deep hurt in the face of this sad truth that he had all but admitted to himself just now. He knew he was just a pawn in this new coming war! Stupid prophecy and hero complex! Stupid Voldemort and Stupid sacrificing parents! Nobody would love him. He would die loveless and alone. Oh! He knew that many persons would love to be with him, marry him too! But not Harry, no, they wanted Harry Potter, The Chosen One. Even his friends to a certain extent, well, they were loyal to him, but Ron had betrayed him in his fourth year just for jealousy over his fame and fortune! And Ginny was infatuated with the Boy Who Lived! Hermione never wavered from him, that was true. But sometimes, she was too trusting of the adults and rules. And suddenly, it was just all too much and everything just poured out of him. His magic increased in intensity and objects rattled in the office. He heard voices far away in his mind, but he was too deep in his self-loathing to comprehend. He was shaking himself, or was he? Out of nowhere, he regained awareness of his surroundings, his brain having caught on his lack of oxygen and he took a big gulp of air. He was pressed on something warm and solid, engulfed in a sort of embrace? The thing he was clinging onto soon detangled itself from him and opening his eyes, Harry saw his DADA professor in front of him, ready to pinch his nose and close his mouth if he was overcome by the need to lash out with magic once more.

Reeling from the onslaught of raw magic and emotions coursing through him, Harry just wanted to gape a little. Ok. He had loose control once more. That wasn't a surprise. That Snape had dared to embrace him though, well, that was weird. Even if it was to avoid a catastrophe. But oh! How it was exhilarating to lash out at them all! Fuck the world and the Dark Lord. He could pitch himself from the Astronomy Tower and he couldn't care less. At least, he would feel the wild wind in his hair and on his face, he would imagine having big white wings growing on his back and flying in the night sky, joining the clouds on fire from the sunset and loosing himself to the wild nature.

But now, he was torn. He wanted to lash out again, and he wanted to bolt from his chair and flee. Stupid adults who wanted the kids to trust them, in exchange for their care and love. Assholes, lots of them. Liars. Everything for control and power. Dominion. Well, he was a rebel from birth. After all, had he not survive from the only real unforgivable curse? He was going to give them a piece of his mind. Little Gryffindor's golden boy was also a Slytherin in disguise. He tuned on the voices calling to him.

"Harry! Child! Snap out of it! Control your emotions."

"Potter! Stop your tantrum right now! Foolish Gryffindor."

 _Argh! Make them stop!_

"Shut up you bastards! Throw me in a cage and swallow the key if you want me so tame! No better, keep me on leash at all times and I'll follow your orders like a good pet. Is that what you want? You want me to surrender? Well, better not keep your hopes up, because I will never relinquish my life and my power ever again!" _Well, only to someone I trust._

"Potter! Stop this instant! This is rather unbecoming and utterly disrespectful. You will apologize immediately." Snapped the Potions Master.

"See if I care!" Snarled Harry. He stood up abruptly and marched towards the door of the office, but the sound of a lock bolted in the crushing silence and Harry turned murderous green eyes on his three professors.

Refusing to concede them more than they already had on him, the teenage boy concentrated his inner thoughts and all his sheer will on unlocking the door in front of him. He knew he was powerful. He had always had a little control over what he did when he was a child. This little part of him which he had just to coax to play with him when he was alone to execute his fantasies. Hell, he could apparate at seven years old, even if he didn't know that at the time. So, he cajoled his magic and asked if it could please open the door? And it listened and obeyed. Almost playfully, just to taunt the adults retaining its child. And Harry bolted from the room. He ran as fast as he could, descending the stairs two by two, using secret passages, avoiding rather narrowly other students leaving the Great Hall from the breakfast. He ran to his new chambers and stayed hidden.

Throwing himself on his large bed in Salazar's cave, he waved his hand and the fireplace took life. Red and orange flammes, burning his core and his heart. He was cold inside and outside. So he slithered on the ground, crouching in front of the fire, mesmerized by those vivid lights flickering perpetually. He saw a little inscription written at the base of the hearth, engraved in the rocks of this room.

 _"Solitude is impractical and yet society is fatal."_

"Yep! Life sucks Sal! What I wouldn't give for a little more banality in my life!" Exclaimed the young man. He didn't really know what he should do right now. Nobody could find him, true, but when he would make his reappearance, it would be hell. At least, it was still Sunday. Tomorrow, he was in class. Well, he could say that he had kind of messed up his plans now. They would be suspicious. He could decide to move all his things from his dorm to his new quarters. More suspicious!

* * *

 **AN:** _Hello everyone! First, thanks to all of you who read this far, and I know I don't have reviews already, but hey, I just posted this story today so it's ok! This will be a story regularly updated, but not as fast as right now... I just wanted to set the plot line for the new readers! Don't worry, this story will be finished, it's my first attempt and I would really like your thoughts on how you like it already. The end is set up, so now its just writing the development. Have nice winter vacations!_

 _Lady Rebell-K_


	6. Chapter 6

**chapter 6**

 _October 3, Monday morning_

 _"_ Mister Potter, please come to my office immediately." Snapped the stern voice of his Head of House just behind him. Harry had just seated himself at the Gryffindor table when he was accosted by his professor.

 _"Here we are again... what could they possibly do to me now? Sure, they might be angry, but as long as they can't control all my whereabouts, I'm still free._ "

* * *

After deciding that it was best to remain underground for the rest of Sunday, Harry hadn't bothered to return at the surface for the meals. It was not as if he wasn't used to hunger. Two missed meals were nothing for him. The Dursleys had done far worse.

But it gave him some thinking to do. If he ever planned on living here for longer periods, he had to find something to contain and conserve the food adequately.

He wondered what Salazar ought to have done, but really, he probably had his house-elves.

He couldn't use the potion lab as a kitchen, it would not be properly sanitary, with all the poisonous ingredients. His bedroom was out of the question too, so it left him with the library / living room. It was the biggest room, after all, and if he transfigured permanently something into a grand box with shelves (they had begun to study permanent transfiguration, but it was complex and difficult) and put a moderate freezing charm on it, it ought to replace a refrigerator.

And thus, had begun a long journey with plenty of trials and errors for the creation of a little cooking area.

At first, Harry had wondered what he could use for his transfigurations, but he had finally settled on using some of the rocks which had fallen during his second year when Lockhart had messed up his obliviating spell.

It was great really, because this type of material was solid and even if the nature of it made it more difficult for a transformation, it would be hard to change its form once carved out.

When he had finally managed to coax his magic in changing a rock of good size in some sort of closed box with shelves of a respectable height and depth, he put it in one corner of the library, where there were mostly armchairs and rugs. Next thing was much more easier, as putting a mild freezing charm on it was not such great feat.

Now though, the rest of the place seemed a bit empty. Harry was kind of used to live in cramped and little places (aka cupboards) and even if he liked to have only the essentials, he wanted to fill this new home.

So, he returned with some other rocks and slowly, changed them into a long counter which was situated alongside the wall, adding drawers underneath to put future baking ustensils.

The more time passed, the more Harry was becoming enthusiastic about his little project and he terminated his day by creating some type of oven (a big drawer with shelves which one could put a multitude of warming charms on it to bake) and a portion on the surface of the counter was separated specifically for heating cauldrons and pans.

After that, the boy was truly exhausted magically and physically and he slept like a great lump on his bed, a warm fire burning gently into the night.

* * *

Somewhere in the castle, no so far away in the dungeons, a man had woke up at midnight by his watch, indicating the absence in the dormitories of the child he was supposed to protect. But somehow, the main hand wouldn't point any direction, as if said child was nowhere and everywhere at once. Strange. Well, wherever the brat was hiding, he couldn't do anything about it for now.

Sneering at the irony of it all, the dark eyes closed once more and the great mind was pulled towards Morpheus' arms, full of tormented dreams and of lost child with green eyes.

.

* * *

Walking in step behind his professor, Harry contemplated how well rested he felt after a day full of magical draining.

 _Maybe it was what he ought to do since the beginning? Maybe his powerful core was always bursting with magical energy and he had to use his magic to not feel restless at night? It had to be taken in serious consideration_. _After all, it had to be said, it was two night in a row that he did not had nightmares._

Those were the type of thoughts that churned inside his head during his walk to McGonagall's office. Seating herself behind her desk, she invited Harry to do the same on a chair just in front of her.

The elderly woman steepled her fingers and searched his face for some sort of clue as to what he was thinking.

"Would you care for some tea, Harry?"

Startled by the rather soft approach, Harry just nodded, not trusting his voice, after all, he didn't know what was expected at this point.

The clacking of fingers and a command for tea for the house-elves later, he was finding himself more and more uncomfortable.

 _What was going on ? Oh well, wasn't he always an oddity? Somehow, that explained why he was always treated differently by other authority figures._

His stern professor was still gazing pensively at him.

"Harry, is there something else going on in your life at the moment? You seem preoccupied and we never see you out of class."

 _"_ What? No, there is nothing! I just decided to take my life seriously. Why would you think that?"

Not knowing what to do with his hands, Harry took a cup of tea that had finally arrived with some biscuits. This new gentleness in his professor disconcerted him. He was not particularly used to people being concerned for his well being... well, there was Hermione and Mrs. Weasley, but that was that. This sort of motherly care he had never known in his life. It was great, but sometimes, more than not, it felt overwhelming. He was used to take care of himself, he didn't need anybody to control his life habits... no, he really didn't need that! Everybody already tried to appropriate himself a part of his life, either be it the ministry, Voldemort, Dumbledore, his friends, the girls and fans, the politicians!

The more time passed, the more he realized his frustrations and his anger was related to his lack of control. Last year, Dumbledore had refused to explain some things and see where that had led them? He had lost Sirius and endangered his friends! He was literally a menace without informations! It was sickening. He could never trust the adults in his life. Even his friends to a certain extent, they reported to adults. He didn't understand that, because adults were hypocrites.

At last, he realized he had lost himself in his thoughts for too long, because the voice of his professor startled him.

"If there is anything you want to talk about, Harry, be it school or the war, you can come to me. I know times are difficult right now, and there is a lot a pressure on you, but don't close yourself."

Her eyes were soft again. She was sipping her tea as if everything was normal. But nothing was ever normal for him. Professors didn't offer to be your confident. Even so, professors didn't believe what you were saying. He had tried once, when he was young. And he had tried every end of year at Hogwarts with the Headmaster. It didn't changed anything. He would always be stuck with the Dursleys. Why would it change anything for some other part of his life? No, he couldn't confide in anyone. Not even his friends at this point. Betrayal was something he was used to and he couldn't afford it at this time.

"Thank you, Ma'am, for your kind offer, but really, there's nothing. It's just... I still miss Si-Him. I'm really sorry I lost it yesterday. I don't lose control normally, but I'm still upset with the Headmaster for last year and Snape, well, not the best person for me to keep a cool head."

 _There, nobody can refute that, and it's the truth, well, partially anyway. Maybe, I would have been great in Slytherin..._

"Yes, we saw that." Her lips were a thin line as she probably recalled his appalling words and behaviour the past day. "But I must ask you, because this is a matter concerning your safety, where do you sleep the nights you are not in the dormitory? This is serious Mr. Potter. You cannot always do as you please."

Yes, there was the stern professor he was used to. Ah! Normalcy. So refreshing! Adopting a sheepish air, the Golden Boy responded as follow.

"I'm sorry professor. I don't want to cause worry to anybody, it's just, I need my space sometimes. I admit the war is more overwhelming than ever, with all those disappearances and murders. I am plagued with nightmares and when I do, I use the Room of Requirement to practice my duelling skills."

"Don't you want to take a dreamless sleep draught? I'm sure Poppy would be delighted to help you."

"Huh, I already take it, the maximum dose every week. I don't want to become addicted, but thanks for your concern, professor."

"Well, in this case Mr. Potter, I must inform you that professor Snape has requested your presence tonight to serve a detention with him at 8 pm for your disrespect yesterday. And I most certainly agree with him. On this parting point, do take care of yourself, Harry. We wouldn't want the situation to degenerate."

Recognizing a dismissal when he saw one, Harry thanked his teacher once more and left the office. Directing his steps towards the kitchen to take something, now that breakfast was finished, he headed after to his first class of the day, Transfiguration.

At first, it was not one of his favourite class. It was, with potions, the most difficult branch of magic to perform. It required a great deal of determination and a strong intent to cast the more difficult transfigurations. But it was truly interesting and useful when one was accomplished in the subject. It did require a good deal of power, magical and mental, to sustain some type of transformations, like the Animagic. That was why not everybody could achieve this form.

The more Harry thought about it, though, the more he wanted to become one of those. It was, after all, a remnant of the Marauders if he did achieve his animagus form.

Add to this, if he did not register his form, it would be an advantage in the war. Being able to transform at will and hide in the wild. He knew it was very difficult and advanced magic, but his father and his friends had been successful in what – their fourth or fifth year? And if Peter Pettigrew has been able to transform in a pathetic little rat, than he surely could transform too! Now, he just had to do some research.

He did sometimes miss Hermione's skills in research this year, but he knew he had to do this for himself. He would go explore again the restricted section of the library soon...

Today though, he had two hours of theory on transfiguration, than two more hours of charms after lunch. That left him with two hours free before lunch and the rest of the day free too. He would use his free period in the morning to write his essay for McGonagall then he would slip under his invisibility cloak after Flitwick's class to search on his new project.

The day was interesting and exciting for Harry. They'd continued on the permanent transfigurations, something that Harry had a good grasp of, after his earlier practice in the chamber, and then, they had learn some advanced elemental charms, with water, ice and gas.

After the class was dismissed, the Gryffindor hero lost no time in lingering to talk to his friends and executed his plan. Since he had taken only a few classes this year, DADA, charms, potions, herbology and transfiguration, (he would have dropped potions if not for the Half-Blood Prince and the Headmaster's order!) he had his fair share of free periods. He remembered when he had won the Felix Felicis from Slughorn for his draught of living death. What a surprise!

Indeed, his schedule was as follow :

—

Mon: Trans / free P. / lunch / charms

Tue: DADA /Free P./ Lunch / Potion

Wed: Herbology /Free /Lunch/ Free

Thu: Trans / free P. / lunch / charms

Fri: DADA /Free P./ Lunch / Potion

—

He had lots of time to research, which pleased him greatly. Now that he was in the restricted section, he did not really know where to search, but he had a good idea where not to, because of his past readings for his de-aging potion.

He had become better at skimming texts to spot key-words and some such other clues concerning the subject of his projects. He knew it would take some time to find everything on Animagic though. But if he skipped diner, he had approximately five hours before his detention with Snape. That was quite a lot.

Since this section was not as large as the library opened for everyone, it was less longer before he finally found something of interest.

It was a textbook which skimmed the basics of Animagic and luckily, it referred to another tome to further the knowledge.

What frustrated Harry when he had his hands on said tome, was that in reading the first few chapters, he learned that to begin the process of transformation, he needed to take a potion to reveal his form.

Unfortunately, the book did not contain the recipe for such a potion. As he look at the time, Harry realized it was indeed 7 o'clock. Only one hour until his unpleasant meeting with the DADA teacher. His stomach rumbled a little, so he replaced his readings on the shelves and noted where they were, than headed for the Great Hall.

...

At eight, the young man found himself in front of the office's door. Knocking lightly, he heard the deep voice commanding to enter.

"Mr. Potter. On time for once."

Closing the door to the office on the third floor, Harry took in his surroundings before facing his intimidating nemesis.

"What will I be doing to serve my detention, sir?" Asked Harry, trying to stay polite.

"Oh, no need for sulking, I think you will greatly enjoy your time. Well, I certainly will." The professor said, smirking.

"Yeah, like always, bastard." The Gryffindor mumbled.

"What was that, Potter?" The voice was deadly quiet now.

"Nothing, Sir."

"Better be. If you would follow me now, so we could begin your tedious task... and before I forget, I will cast a disillusionment charm on ourselves so that we may stay incognito."

Surprised at first, Harry walked in steps with Snape when they exited the office and climbed upstairs. They only stopped in front of the Room of Requirement. When a door appeared, they entered and there again, Harry was met with wonderment. The room was bare of furniture, but the walls and floor were covered in a soft material, having the same effect as cushions when one punch them.

"Is this a training room?" Asked the younger man.

"Yes it is. I believe I do not need to explain to you what your detention will be consisting of?"

"Well, what are the rules, Sir? I wouldn't want to be responsible for your early demise..." he flashed his professor a cheeky smirk.

"Oh, do stop the arrogance, Mr. Potter. You will soon realize what confronting a Death Eater truly means." The low rumbles of the deep voice sent shivers down Harry's spine.

And so, without warning, his teacher sent him a wordless blasting spell, which he avoided narrowly in sensing the shift of magic in the air.

"Hey! That's unfair!" Shouted the boy.

"What is? After all, are you not learning wordless magic in my class? Or perhaps, you think the Dark Lord will kindly warn you before sending you a blasting hex? Don't be daft, boy! This is a war! A single mistake can cost your life! You must learn to control yourself and your magic to think quickly and clearly. No more chance."

And thus, began the worst evening for Harry Potter. He did have a large scale of hexes and curses for use, but nothing like Snape. No, the more he was blasted off his feet, the more he observed the man, the more he understood what meant being a master duelist and having an enormous background in the battlefield.

How he admired the skills of the man! Blocking and returning his hexes, transfiguring his iced floor into fire to avoid the inevitable sliding... playing with elemental magic as if it was nothing! It was massive and impressive and it certainly required a great deal of concentration, but the bloody man just continued to fire hexes upon hexes, seeming oblivious to anything else, but really, it was another deception. His professor saw everything.

Finally, after two hours of humiliation, bloodied and bruised, the lesson ended. Not once, did Harry had success in sending a curse that passed the barriers of his professor.

"How come... you are not... bloody tired after that? ... Sir." Panted the youth.

Snape did seem a little bit winded and his hair was all over the place, but apart from his untidiness, he was as normal as he could be.

"Well, Potter, I hope you took note of some of my duelling technics... did I seem to you to be running all over the place like a scarred little brat not even out of school? I believe not!"

"To right... you are, Sir. Not even... out of school... and yet, this stupid prophecy says... otherwise."

At the sound of those words, the older man's back stiffened slightly and he casually turned on his heels not to face the brat.

"The Headmaster told you the prophecy?"

"Yes... you know it too? I thought... Voldemort ought not to know, Sir?"

"Do. Not. Say. His. Name!"

"Sorry, Sir... But why would you rather not hear his name if you are not loyal to him...? As much as Dumbledore trusts you... I don't have the same proofs that he supposedly has."

Taking a deep breath, the dark and menacing man continued to talk, facing the wall. "In the first war, the name was cursed. If a follower said or heard the name, it would cause pain in their mark. Are you satisfied, Potter?"

"Yes."

"As for the prophecy, it is of no concern to you of the information the Headmaster entrusts to me. Did you forget I'm a master occlumens? Or were your failure too painful to remember you would rather forget it all?" He turned abruptly to witness the mix between a painful grimace and a smirk appearing on Harry's face as he responded to the taunting.

"I would like to see you try that again, Sir. I would not be so sure of you abilities to penetrate my mind."

"Is that so? Still feeling cocky after your humiliation tonight? My! Your pretentious behaviour never cease to amaze me, Potter. Nevertheless, it is not my goal tonight to plunder your mind. No, this detention had a purpose. Could you tell me what?"

Still kneeling on the floor, Harry closed his eyes, thinking of why he had a detention in the first place.

"You wanted to show me a way to vent my emotions by blasting a room with my most hated professor within? Oh no, Umbrige isn't here this year... how sad!"

The sarcasm was thick in the air, but Harry found he could almost relax, and wasn't that a little bit odd. He was joking with Snape. As if he wasn't just ending a detention with the man that belittled him for five years.

How tired was he to let go so much? Ah, well... must go with it.

"You think yourself funny? Let me remind you that tonight was nothing! When the war arrives at Hogwarts' doors, let me tell you that the students don't stand a chance against the Death Eaters. And you think your little rebellious Defense group of last year are prepared to face death? How blind are you? This is not a game! And I would take this seriously if I were you, Potter."

"Oh, excuse me, professor, for not achieving your expectation as the little soldier that I should be! You just reminded me tonight that I was a mere child! And I'm supposed to know how to fight fully trained wizards? How hilarious! I never heard anything so drole! You should consider a career in humour, Sir! Did you never think that I'm just tired of all this? That I just want to end it one way or another. That maybe, I don't care anymore of what might become of the fucking world?"

Never one for being taken by surprise, Severus experienced it with a deep sour taste in his mouth, this time.

"Are you harbouring suicidal thoughts, Harry?"

"..."

"I asked you a question, young man!"

"Just let me be. My detention has ended, if I dare remind you. Good night, professor." Said the youth softly. And just like that, he was out of the room, running for dear life towards his bed in the Gryffindor Tower, wishing sleep would take away all his anguish.

* * *

 **AN:** _Here it is! I hope you like it! The delay between the updates will vary to 1-3 weeks, depending on my schedule and the length of the chapters... I wish you all a new great year for 2018!_

 _Lady Rebell-K_


	7. Chapter 7

**chapter 7**

October 4 - Tuesday morning

 _"Well, this is one night they can't say anything as to my rooming arrangement,"_ thought Harry upon waking up in his red and gold fourposter bed.

His muscles were sore and all his limbs ached. After his lesson last night, he promised himself to train his body at least one hour per day. It wouldn't do to be weak in the face of the enemy.

And he had DADA this morning! How wretched was he? Snape would have a good laugh! At least, it was a theory class most Tuesdays. Well, this year proved to be more interesting in this subject at least. He should really practice wordless casting. It might save his life one day.

Putting his robes on for the day, Harry headed for the Great Hall to eat breakfast. It was relatively early, being six in the morning, but his internal clock was programmed to wake him at this hour. After all his conditioning at the hands of the Dursleys, he had learn to sleep lightly to always be available at his aunt's call.

There was barely any student at this hour in the Hall, and it suited him just fine. The food would be on the tables at six thirty, so it gave him technically one hour of silence to finish his essay in charms from yesterday (because who wake up before seven on a school day?) He had buy himself a bag with extension and featherweight charms on it to carry his school books and it had proved to be worthy. So he carried it everywhere with all his work in it.

A little past seven, most of the professors where at the Head Table, preparing themselves for the day and being available for the students. Harry found that his essay was well thought out, but he could improve it more. Just as he finished putting his work in his bag, a little missive appeared in front of him.

A little suspicious at first, Harry didn't touch it, just scanned his surroundings. Then his eyes landed on the Head Table and on the Headmaster particularly. The blue eyes twinkled and he gave a slight nod of his head, confirming the provenance of the missive.

Just before opening the white letter, Harry's eyes caught the onyx ones of another man and he was in a staring contest. He did felt the light tugging at his mind, but he closed the door instinctively. He did, however invoke all of his mind barriers as the digging became more forceful.

Bastard, thought Harry. He then broke the connection and opened the blasted missive. He did smirked a little though, rethinking of his little victory in this mind battle.

Reading Dumbledore's words, he learn that he was summoned to his office at 8 pm in the evening for an important meeting concerning the war effort.

Ah, well, we never can escape those in the end, Harry thought dejectedly. He never bothered to nod in acknowledgement to the sender of the letter, just leaving the Hall, mulling over his darker thoughts.

...

At the end of his Defense class, Snape told Harry to remain after.

Waiting the departure of the other students, the professor finally spoke.

"Mr. Potter, it would seems you still haven't learn how to treat your betters with respect, if the way you left last night has anything to prove."

Snorting, the Gryffindor replied angrily.

"I'm sure then, that we both have a great deal to learn on respect, Sir, if your morning intrusion has anything to prove."

"Watch your tone! And you did invite me last night to invade your mental barriers, so I took the chance this morning. What better way to assure yourself of your level of awareness than to be taken by surprise? Either way, we are not finished, Potter, and I do expect you at my office this Friday night at 8. As of now, we will meet every Monday and Friday for your weekly detentions. Now, get out before my next class arrives!"

"Yes sir," muttered Harry sullenly before exiting the room.

He did spend the next free period on his Defense essay, huddled in a somber corner of the library. This near silence in the room, with the whispers and the turning of the pages reminded him of his cupboard at Privet Drive sometimes.

Only, it was in a fond way, because that place was the only place where he would find peace in his hell of a home.

He would hear in the background the voices of his relatives or Dudley's friends, the creaking stairs or the foundations of the house engaged in a battle against the fiery wind during a storm.

During those nights when the solitude and silence would be too heavy for a mere child deprived of love to endure, he would lose himself in an old book from his cousin. That was what he did at primary school too, to avoid his cousin and his gang playing Harry-Hunting.

He would hide in the library and read every other books he could, some way beyond his age, but he understood most of them. The loneliness and hunger for affection would render a child's senses more keen and would give him a strange but mostly accurate view of the underlines of the human internal emotions and body language. That's what it did and it was not always a bad thing either, for someone who wanted to detect deception.

After lunch, he headed for Potions in the dungeons, walking along with Hermione. He had not said anything to her about the Half-Blood Prince, first because he enjoyed seeing her miffed by his improved brews, and second because it was like he had a special secret connection with the persona. Those sarcastic and witted comments in the margins of the book were utterly hilarious and there were dark spells in he was sure his friends would not approved of.

"Harry, do you have something after five this evening?" Asked Hermione in hushed tones while placing her station.

"Yes, why?" Replied Harry a little wearily.

"Oh, well, nothing really, I just wanted to talk with you. It's been a month since the new school year began and I don't really know what's going on anymore... I miss you so much Harry. Ron is there, but you know, it's not the same with him. You were my first friend and you still are my best friend Harry. I would never betray you whatever it is. I could swear an oath to you if you wanted."

Harry was actually quite taken aback by this declaration at the beginning of the Potions class. He was surprised by her determination to do everything just to be in his life. A warmth he did not know he missed lodged itself in his chest for a few moments, only increasing his frustration and despair towards this world which had provided him with such an unjust life. He really did not understand how some people could be jealous and envious of him, say Ron.

Still continuing with his preparations for his potion, Harry thought more on her offer. True, it would not hinder him so much if he had help of some sort, because he had so much projects to think about!

Chewing on his bottom lip, something he always did when concentrating, he began to cut finely some daisy roots while still silently rehashing this possibly new avenue with Hermione.

No really, he would be a fool to reject such an offer. If she did accept to make a vow of secrecy, he would confide in her. Maybe not everything for now, but it was already a beginning.

After their class in the dungeons, Harry climbed up to the seventh floor to go for a change in clothes. He was too sore this morning to go training, but there was no lazing about from now on. Marching purposefully to avoid annoying persons, Harry turned a corner and did not see the impending collision until it was too late.

"Ouch!"

"Indeed! Hello Harry, where are you going at this fine hour?"

"Sorry, oh, hi Luna. Well, I'm on my way to change clothing. I decided yesterday that if I really wanted to be ready for my supposed destiny, well I must be top shape… which I am not at the moment."

His cheeks were a little flushed from the embarrassment of the collision and his admission of poor health.

"Really? How nice. Could I come with you?"

The bluntness was always a surprise when you talked with Luna, Harry thought, but it was refreshing in a way. He was so tired of people trying to slither their way in his life with sneaky means or request.

"Well, huh, if you want you can come. I mean, you want to watch or…"

"Oh no! Harry, I would like to train with you. First, it would be unfair for you if you were the only one who had to train for this bloody war and second, it could not kill any of us to be more prepared and I suppose it would greatly help with our duelling skills."

"Oh. Okay then. It's true I could use some company. Do you want to wait a couple of minutes, just the time I need to go fetch some old rags to sweat in. I thought we could go in the Room of Requirement for this."

He tried to hide his blush when he mentioned the old rags, not wanting to admit his less then stellar childhood. Next Hogsmead visit, he would have to remedy this dressing problem of his.

"Perfect! I will just transfigure my robes in some sort of training outfit."

After pacing three times in front of the wall, a door appeared and the two students entered. They were greeted by an earthy sent, originating from a dense forest gifted with enormous trees.

Harry was a little surprised with this version of the room, but did not comment, seeing the peaceful look on his friend's face.

Following her lead, he walked silently on a large path made from pine needles and green moss. Turning his head slightly, he saw two white hammocks hanging from low branches at the limits of the forest.

"See, Harry? We will be able to relax after our training session! What a wonderful place to be." Spoke Luna in her familiar dreamy voice.

"Yes, you're right."

The main path led them to an abrupt change of scenery, that of a lake of shining blue waters, surrounded by a ring of comfortable black soil. The lake had a diameter of approximately fifthy meters, and further towards the edges of the room, the ground changed for a beach of red coloured sand.

The delimitations, including the roof, were that of immense bay windows where they could see the blazing sun and a soft breeze to refresh them was the final touch.

"Wow… this is gorgeous Luna! Did you really imagined all this?"

"Where else would you want to train yourself Harry? The lake is perfect to swim and we can run around on the black soil."

"Well, seeing it like that, it's perfect. Thank you."

Thus began their routine. They decided to run until they couldn't breath any longer and, wishing a booknote to appear, they wrote their scores to try and improve the number of laps they could do the next time.

Sprawled on the hot red sand, trying to regain their breath, both students were lost in thought.

Harry felt exhausted, but his mind was in a new place. He did not felt peaceful, far from that, (he had too many demons hunting him) but it was a sort of numbness where you could examine more clearly your thoughts, or really, your lack of swirling and incessant ideas.

It did felt a little like occlumency. As if your spirit would leave your body and you could see the happenings from afar.

At the same time, it was not at all similar, because occlumency was only an internalization of the emotions and thoughts, whereas this physical activity permitted the body to externalize those common frustrations and so, freeing your mind. It was far more exhilarating than he would have thought.

"Ready to swim until we drown, Harry?"

The joyous and excited voice of his companion startled him from his mental explorations.

"More than ever, Luna!"

After transfiguring their clothes in a swimming suit, they jumped in the lake. The refreshing temperature of the water invigorated them, and they stopped after ten lengths.

"Stop splashing me Luna! Or I will drown you!" Exclaimed Harry while laughing at their childish displays. "I'm bloody exhausted!"

"Well then, your Majesty, the last one on the beach is a _poule mouillée_!"

"A what? … Hey wait for me, you traitress!"

Still out of breath and dripping of water, Harry crumbled on the beach.

"What… did you… say?"

Laughing slightly, her vibrant blue eyes sparkled at his confused expression and she answered her friend.

"A _poule mouillée_ is a french expression for a drip, Harry. I just thought it was a more funny way of saying it!"

"You speak French?"

"Well, when I was younger, papa and I did a trip in North America. There was this province, Québec, where French is the main language. Actually, this landscape is inspired from some places we visited in Canada."

"Wow… I wish I could go to those places."

Sighing, Luna turned her head slightly so he couldn't look in her eyes anymore.

Therefor, he missed the desolated and pained expression appearing on her face.

"After the war, Harry, after the war…" she murmured softly.

Coughing a little to clear the more somber and awkward atmosphere, Harry stood up and declared.

"Enough dallying, it's already been an hour and a half since we started! We still have some musculation to do."

"Really? But I'm so tired! You want to kill us for sure!"

"Ok then, I guess we can start with that tomorrow morning when we begin our real training schedule. I say, we meet here at five am so we'll have enough time to relax afterwards." He smiled somewhat indulgently at her pouting expression, remembering himself when he was younger and he had to face day after day of endless chores. It was not the same type of exertion, but you had to give yourself a good kick in the arse to not be discouraged before the enormity of the task.

"Did you have something to do before diner? We still have one hour and a half."

Her question was welcomed, permitting him to leave the dark paths that his mind seemed to wander in these days.

"Hmm, normally I go to the library to do some research for my many projects, but you just gave me an idea. Do you think that the room could provide me with a library? Or some specific books?"

"Just try it Harry. I'm sure you can do anything if you really wish for it." The face she gave him at that response baffled him a bit. She seemed hopeful, but of what, he could not say. There was a sort of determination in her voice that decided him to at least try though.

Closing his eyes, he did not see the room changing and accommodating to his new request. Gone were the wild landscapes, in their place was a cosy room with two armchairs facing a fireplace. A large bookshelf rested against a wall, and he found his fingers buried in a soft and rather plush carpet.

"I think it worked, Harry. What kind of books were you searching for?"

"Promise me you won't say anything to anyone Luna. This cannot be known by anyone. Especially in this time of war."

"I solomnely swear on my magic that I will never reveal any confidence given to me by the person of Harry James Potter."

A bright light enveloped her body, her magic twirling around, kind of entrancing and intoxicating, before settling down, selling her promise.

The young man was stunned, speechless and deeply touched by the gesture. This was a great act of trust that she had made.

He could say anything and she would be bound not to reveal it. It reminded him of Hermione's proposition earlier in the day.

They were surely the only two human beings that he could count on to never betray him. Some years ago, he would have counted Ron in the mixt, but he was too easily offended and when he lost his temper, he could spew your secrets without a thought.

Somewhere, in the dark recesses of his mind, he knew this horrible truth that he still was reluctant to admit to himself. But this new declaration of pure loyalty by Luna spurred his train of thoughts back six years ago, where he embarked on the Hogwarts Express for the first time.

All of his insecurities as a lonely, friendless child, that he still possessed, but to a lesser degree, had chained him to the first person to show him a welcoming and accepting relationship. This had been Ron and his family. And to preserve this friendship, he had gone to all of the means possible, no matter the costs.

He did not regret his friendship with the other young man, but he resented him silently in a corner of his mind. In a way, it was Harry's own fault for not standing for himself, but he was so fearful and insecure of his own habilities back then.

He would certainly not have ended up like Hermione if the Hogwarts' population had left him alone all those years, but he would not have botched his work as much as Ron…

 _Harry… Harry… Harry!_

"HARRY!"

His body gave a jolt then he froze, hearing the shout. Bad memories were attached to loud noises, particularly where his name was shouted. Exhaling slowly through his nose, it did not take him so much time to recognize where he was and with whom.

How he hated loosing himself like that.

"Sorry Luna. It's just…" his troath constricted a little as he remembered just what she had done moments ago and he fought the urge to cry. "It's just, this vow you made… _gulp, breath_ … it was so spontaneous and… _gulp, breath_ … and pure, I don't… _gulp, breath_ … quite know… _gulp, breath_ … what to say. Thank you seems a bit… _gulp, breath_ … pale in comparison."

Suddenly, a cord snapped inside and his lungs were deeply in need of air. It was too much and he turned on himself, hidding his face while his arms hugged his knees. The tears fell freely now, the pressure of being alone for so long a time exploding with this last act of kindness from this weird girl he had met some years ago. He didn't even try to repress his pitiful sobs, letting go for the first time. He knew, deep down, that she would not juge him for his break down. Well, he hoped.

Sensing two timid hands on his shoulders, he tensed, before relaxing when they started to massage his still bare back. They had not changed from their swimming suit, but as if sensing his thoughts, Luna dried them both and gifted them with some comfortable outfit.

It took fifteen minutes of intense crying before he calmed down to sparse sniffles and was ready to face her. He realized that he was ensconced in her arms, her head against his shoulder, and he quite liked the sensation. When he tried to move, she disentangled herself from their embrace and he lowered his back on the green carpet.

A tissus was presented to his face and he used it, taking a great big breath of air for the first time. The experience was exhilarating. So much he started to laugh. There was a weight that was missing on his chest. He felt more free then he could ever imagine. He felt weightless for the first few minutes. It was like flying.

He did not really remember the last time he had cried like that, but it was a long time ago, when he was a child. But then he had learn that crying would only offer more suffering, for his family wouldn't care less and they did not enjoy the noise.

Finally calming himself from his bout of laughter, he locked his eyes with his friend, regarding her in a new light and simply said,

"Thank you."

Her lips curved in an honest smile, seeming to understand so much more than she let on.

"I would normally say sorry for what I've put you through, but I'm not really sorry for crying. I needed that, and I think you knew it. I am forever in your depth, Luna Lovegood. You gave me a new hope and I can breath again. Name anything you wish of me and I will try my utmost to give it to you." His green eyes were shining with a new determination while he gazed at her, waiting for her answer.

He saw her lips and chin trembling a little, her eyes gaining this glassy appearance and he scrambled back on his knees, hugging her tightly. He did hear her whisper in his ear,

"You already gave me more than I could want, Harry. You are my friend."

"Always." He answered.

Sometime later, when the silence lost a little of his solemnity and they were installed in their armchairs, she repeated her last question.

"So Harry, what books were you looking for?"

"Animagic. I think it would be a great asset in this war if I was to become an unregistered animagus. I did a lot of research in the restricted section of the library, but when I finally found what I was looking for, I realized the first step is brewing a potion to know your form. But I did not know of the book in which such a potion could be found."

"Well, lets look then, shall we?"

As they perused the books in the only shelf, he heard her exclaim,

"Harry! I think I found it!"

A sudden excitement bubbled in his chest at the idea of finally beginning.

He hopped to where she was standing with a book open, reading over her shoulder.

"Yes! I think this is the potion. Now, we just need the ingredients. Would you want to try with me?"

"Of course, Harry! It would be so great."

"Well, what do we need?" Reading the instructions, the enormity of the task dawned on him some more... "Oh shit! This will be sooo complicated!"

Indeed, the instructions were as follow :

 _1\. For the space of one entire month (from full moon to full moon), a single leaf from a Mandrake must be carried constantly in the mouth. The leaf must not be swallowed or taken out of the mouth at any point. If the leaf is removed from the mouth, the process must be started again._

 _2\. Remove the leaf at the full moon and place it, steeped in your saliva, in a small crystal phial that receives the pure rays of the moon (if the night is cloudy, you will have to find a new Mandrake leaf and begin the whole process again). To the moon-struck crystal phial, add one of your own hairs, a silver teaspoon of dew collected from a place that neither sunlight nor human feet have touched for a full seven days, and the chrysalis of a Death's-head Hawk Moth. Put this mixture in a quiet, dark place and do not look at it or otherwise disturb it until the next electrical storm._

 _3\. While waiting for the storm, the following procedure should be followed at sunrise and sundown. The tip of the wand should be placed over the heart and the following incantation spoken: 'Amato Animo Animato Animagus.'_

 _4\. The wait for a storm may take weeks, months or even years. During this time, the crystal phial should remain completely undisturbed and untouched by sunlight. Contamination by sunlight gives rise to the worst mutations. Resist the temptation to look at your potion until lightning occurs. If you continue to repeat your incantation at sunrise and sunset there will come a time when, with the touch of the wand-tip to the chest, a second heartbeat may be sensed, sometimes more powerful than the first, sometimes less so. Nothing should be changed. The incantation should be uttered without fail at the correct times, never omitting a single occasion._

 _5\. Immediately upon the appearance of lightning in the sky, proceed directly to the place where your crystal phial is hidden. If you have followed all the preceding steps correctly, you will discover a mouthful of blood-red potion inside it._

 _6\. It is essential to move, at once, to a large, secure place where your transformation cannot cause alarm or place you in physical danger. Place your wand-tip against your heart, speak the incantation 'Amato Animo Animato Animagus,' and then drink the potion._

 _7\. If all has gone correctly, you will feel a fiery pain and an intense double heartbeat. Into your mind will come the shape of the creature into which you are shortly to transform. You must show no fear. It is too late, now, to escape the change you have willed._

 _8\. The first transformation is usually uncomfortable and frightening. Clothing and items such as glasses or jewellery meld to the skin and become one with fur, scales or spikes. Do not resist and do not panic or the animal mind may gain the ascendancy and you could do something foolish, such as try to escape through a window or charge a wall._

 _9\. When your transformation is complete you should find yourself physically comfortable. You are strongly advised to pick up your wand at once, and hide it in a place of safekeeping, where you will be able to find it when you regain a human form._

 _10\. To return to a human form, visualise your human self as clearly as you can. This should be sufficient, but do not panic if the transformation does not occur immediately. With practice, you will be able to slip in and out of your animal form at will, simply by visualising the creature. Advanced Animagi can transform without wands._

"Well, it will not be a peace of cake!" Exclaimed the young Griffyndor, deflated.

"I think that electrical storms are more common during the fall or summer months, Harry. After all, November is the month of rain."

"Humph! The next full moon is this next Friday, on the 7th. This means, tomorrow, during my Herbology class, I will subtly collect two leaves of mandrake, and from this Friday until twenty-eight days later, meaning on November 3, we will have to carry this in our mouth. Oh joy!"

"Agreed… this will be hard. Meanwhile, we have to collect the dew. I suggest we go in the forbidden forest to find this, as the students don't generally go there. We will have to go late at night."

"Oh my god! I think we are crazy to do this, Luna…"

"Well Harry, sometimes, it takes a little bit of insanity to do great things… and nobody ever said we were actually sane!"

"Hey, what time is it? I think I might hear my stomac rumbling a little…"

"It's nearly six. I think we should go to diner. Accompany me?"

"Of course. I'm famished! Don't forget though, tomorrow morning at five."

Leaving their haven, they headed for the Great Hall, their mind full of new ideas and projects. When came the time to go to their own table, they shared one last secret smile, then came back down to the reality of Hogwarts.

The two hours before 8 pm passed a little too fast for Harry's liking, however.

…

Upon uttering the password for the gargoyle and climbing the stairs, the tension in his body seemed to intensify. Entering the office, which had been restored to his previous state of fullness, Harry seated himself in front of Dumbledore's desk, refusing the usual offer of lemon drop.

His thoughts were swirling angrily around his mind and he decided to stare at Fawkes to focus on something. It was a technic used in occlumency to calm one's mind.

He did heard the soft sigh of the Headmaster and the beginning of what would be a long evening.

"Harry, I am deeply sorry for the tragedy of last year and all our mistakes, and I wish you could put aside your resentment of my person so we can continue towards ending this war. It may seems too grand and overwhelming sometimes, but we must unite our forces to see the light at the end of this dark period."

The teenager in question only tightened his jaw, clenching his teeth as to not give in already. He knew what he was doing was childish. He could clearly remember his detention last night with Snape and the words his professor had said. "It is not a game... One mistake could cost you your life... The children in this school are in no way prepared to face death and the war..." Yes, he was absolutely being selfish in refusing to cooperate with the Headmaster. He could not condemn all those children to the atrocities that he had already seen. It was only the beginning. He was still furious with his mentor, but he was also worried about his new injury. The blackened hand seemed dead, and the old man wouldn't say anything about it. Always evading the questions. So infuriating!

It truly was a vicious circle. Each time Harry tried to move forward, he was concerned with another problem and nobody would say a thing about it. He knew it was not his place to solve everything, but seriously, if they intended to dump the fate of Britain on his shoulders, he should be aware of most things, no?

"Yes, I am sorry, professor, for loosing it the other day. I was just so angry and I felt trapped. So, what was this meeting about, Sir?"

The blue eyes softened at the apology, understanding far more than they let on how one would feel trapped in the wretched war.

"Ah, it is not your fault for feeling cornered, Harry. But yes, tonight, I intended on showing you some memories which will help you understand your enemy."

"You mean Voldemort?"

"Yes. I think showing you his life since he was a child would help you comprehend more his ways of acting and his weaknesses. It was me who delivered his Hogwarts' letter when he was eleven at his orphanage. Here, follow me in the pensieve, Harry."

And they did just that for the rest of the evening. Revisiting memories of Tom Riddle. Harry was quite a bit astonished that pure bloods would willingly follow a half blood and bend the knee for their master. Of course, they didn't know the lineage of their Lord. Only that he was a descendent of Slytherin.

That night, still in the lion den, Harry dreamt of a lonely child in an orphanage and one just as lonely in a cupboard under the stairs...

.

* * *

 **AN:** _Voilà! Sorry for the long wait, but I had kind of a little writer's block for the meeting between Luna and Harry... And it is the longest_ _chapter so far! Also, the process for the Animagi is copied from JKR, so I have zero originality in this, only in the form Harry and Luna will take! (I already know for Luna, but I hesitate between two forms for Harry, and I wonder if I should ask your opinion or keep it a surprise. It won't be their patronus though.) I hope my personages where in character in this chapter... Don't be shy to remind me otherwise! I dearly hope you like it and continue to review... please. Thanks to all of you dear readers and if you see some spelling mistakes, please point them to me, I hate them more then you can possibly imagine._

 _Disclaimer: I own nothing..._

 _Lady Rebell-K_


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